An Everyday Peacemaker Story by Matt Willingham 

What is our responsibility as peacemakers online?

Humans and the internet; we’re like two junior highers at our first school dance, just trying to figure out the right words, where to put our hands, and how to avoid embarrassing ourselves. Online life is becoming more and more common, so can an Everyday Peacemaker stay plugged in without sacrificing values?

This month we sat down with Jen Manlief, an Everyday Peacemaker practicing something she believes is key to waging peace online: staying curious.

“So I’m browsing Instagram and see a post by two friends, this husband and wife couple, and one of them had a Let’s Go Brandon shirt on. I DMed one of them and asked if it was a Let’s Go Brandon shirt, and she replied back with, ‘Yes, it is.’”

Jen’s knee-jerk response was to communicate how the shirt made her feel, specifically how disappointed she felt seeing it.

“…but I stopped myself,” Jen said. “I smashed the delete button and sat for a minute.”

Jen’s thumbs began moving again, this time with a different response: “Can you tell me why you bought that? I promise this isn’t a trap; I’m trying to understand people with different points of view.”

Turns out, the couple had seen the viral video, thought it was a funny gaffe, and ordered the shirt. When they discovered it was disrespecting the president—with whom they disagree on many issues—the shirt was relegated to around-the-house status.

This is subtle, but did you catch the shift?

“By getting curious, I was able to continue in that relationship in a repaired way. I asked a question that took an interest in them, allowing me to stay engaged and stay close to them rather than immediately putting them on the defensive,” Jen explained.

“I’m trying to find balance in my online life. I don’t want to mute opposing voices, but I also don’t want to seek posts or personalities that will get me riled up and waste my energy.”

So how do we stay engaged and work for connection while managing our limited capacity and not isolating people around us needlessly?

Jen just illustrated one essential question to ask ourselves: What is my motivation? Jen chose to delete the response expressing disappointment and instead chose to shift her motivation away from self-expression and toward a curious posture, taking an interest in her friend.

That doesn’t mean Jen wasn’t still frustrated, and it’s natural to want to express how we feel! Yet the more connective approach was Jen’s second response: getting curious and asking questions that enable us to stay connected.

“A lot of that is about figuring out my motivations: Am I doing this for my own ego, or am I doing this because it’s leading to connection?”

So simple yet so relevant as we move into the holidays and into tough conversations with friends and family. Will we avoid them, disconnecting over differences? Will we engage them aggressively to land a ‘win’ for our ego? Or will we stay curious, even when it requires us to smash a delete button or take a few minutes away?

Let’s practice the latter! We commit to always prioritize connection, closeness, and peace with those around us because the short-term ego boost of an argument won is rarely worth the long-term implications of a relationship harmed.